Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
You Might Also Like
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?