I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’m aging like a fine banana
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
SCARY COSTUME
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.