me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.