You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
*serious situation*
My brain:
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
no cat here
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.