Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.