My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I just tested negative for patience.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value