Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
A drum solo but on your face.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked