Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Hmmmmm
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.