Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.