Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
felt cute might bury dad later idk
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
There is no “we” in pizza
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from