Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Social distancing in Australia:
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.