her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I saw nothing
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.