I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I have many caverns
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.