Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
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I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
asked my bf how work was today
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere