MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.