Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy