An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
two people or more is called a problem
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.