People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
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mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“The Perfect Relationship”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.