This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
How all things should be taught/explained.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Nice try Hitler
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.