[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
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Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
It’s actually Dr. whatever
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
okay run it by me one more time
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.