Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
knights of the ikea table
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive