the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
You Might Also Like
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning