Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.