a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
That’s amazing.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”