#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
u spoke cat all this time??????
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Carpe DM
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!