I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
🛁
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
#merica
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers