[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I think they could have phrased this better
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?