My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.