Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
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some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”