Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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What an awful time to have common sense.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault