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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Everything reminds me of my ex
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.