me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.