All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
You Might Also Like
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…