*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]