There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The three genders.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes