“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up