Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years