SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
meanwhile over on facebook
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE