If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
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Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.