if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
You Might Also Like
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Good morning, Twitter x
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.