Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.