There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
This kid is going places
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
i meant to share this earlier
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside