Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
stop
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8