“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
@ candidates for local office
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”