overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
You Might Also Like
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
According to math, I’m broke
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.