“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.