Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time