The best shot in the history of golf
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything