What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Happy Halloween 🎃
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK