My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
sigh
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.